To Move On Is To Grow

"When we wake up to the lives that we've created.

We'll see we built nothing, but destroyed it."

This year had finally broken me down.

The amount of death and pain around me in 2022 has been more than I care to ever experience again, and it's only fucking August. 

Its been hard to want to work on the car, or really do much of anything because of all of the shit going on in my life. 

I don't want this blog to just be a monument to my depression, or to be depressing in general. It is however a look into my life at any point. That's what this will always be, for better or worse.

Right now I am dealing with loss on levels I have not experienced before.

 I have lost one of my partners that I loved very much by way of my own mistakes. I have hurt those around me unintentionally, Many people close to me are dealing with serious illness, I have had far too many friends pass away this year. I am also losing the single car I built and loved this whole ride. The car seems trivial, but it is a weird point of attachment for me. I'm sentimental like that.

I have been re evaluating everything lately. I'm in a position I didn't see coming and I like to think that generally I have pretty good foresight. Pain is a permanent part of life. I'm coming to terms with what that really means currently. Maybe to learn how to deal with it is really the trick.

Things are going to just have to be different now, and I have to accept that.

"I shouldn't stay but I can't let you go

We're face to face yet stand alone

I'm just a slave of a life split in two

Falling apart in a crowded room"

I took some time away from it all, made some changes to try to keep moving on in the right direction.

Giving up has never been something I'm good at. Even if maybe its the better choice sometimes I try to see everything through. I've been doing a lot of finding myself over the last month and I think I'm making the right choices to for heal, and be a better version of myself. Self forgiveness is something I'm working on right now. My immediate focus is on the things and people I love the most that I still have in my life. 

As of today, I've started working with programs by the Formula 1 personal trainer for Daniel Riccardo, Michael Italiano. I'd like to get into the shape of my life for next season to get any edge I can for racing and the physical work with diet can be therapeutic in and of itself. I've also started therapy, which has been long overdue. I hold hope that if I'm putting the work in everything else will fall into place in other aspects of my life as well. 

I have some of the best people around me. I am very lucky to be so loved. I know things will turn around and if somehow they don't I know I can learn to roll with the punches even if that hope gets to be hard to see. 

The world keeps spinning

We have a race coming up in about 10 days from the day this is posted, at my home track here in Pittsburgh.

 I'll be in the Integra for the last ride at home, and she needs some work. We had a bad leak from a front main seal last race, and some wiring harness issues. This is still the bone stock GSR engine in this bad boy so I'm putting all my bets on driving the wheels off this car for the remaining two races. 

As excited as I am about the Porsche, I need to shift my focus to getting this car and my mind ready for this upcoming race. It's moderately stressful also that this car is already sold. I've got to keep it in good shape through October to be able to hand it off to the new owner and pay the Cayman off.

I don't think any of the things that need to be done are difficult, but on days where even getting out of bed feels like a challenge the car might as well be parked on the moon. 

One way or another I'll have this ready and I'll be there trying to win. It'll be nice to have the support of my family for the race as well, they've been really excited coming to the home races. 

A fitting tribute.

A few days ago former Savage Garage founder Jim put together this tribute video to our late friend Rachel Larratt. I felt like everything said and shown here really starts to give an idea of what a powerhouse of a woman she was. I still think of Rachel every day, she did so much for me and our team its unreal. I try to make sure that I carry her spirit on and keep pushing. Its worth the watch here.

Truly, just a one of a kind person. Its still hard to believe she's gone. I missed seeing her in Las Vegas by one day just a week before her death. I've been able to speak with her family some. My goal is to hopefully get together with the remaining crew and do something together soon. I'll keep updated on that. 

I want to thank all of you.

The support I've gotten from this blog has been huge. Its amazing to hear how many people can relate to the things I'm saying and sharing about my life. I feel closer to a lot more people and hopefully it helps everyone not feel so alone. I sometimes catch some shit for the things I talk about on here, but I maintain that these entries will remain unapologetic and a true window into my life at the time.

This project started at a complicated point, and a lot of really big and exciting things are happening in the near future. It isn't all doom and gloom. I can't wait to share our triumphs with all of you also. 

I will have live stream, lots of new photo and video content, and lots more new stories after the race this month. I hope this marks a turning of the page and we can all rise with the tide together. 

Thanks for staying with me, short but sweet this week.